In the Short Run

Which is unsurprising to say the least. It's just the way things are done around here. Or should I say were done around here.

For a very long time, I put my job before everything. I worked really hard to get the promotions that I wanted. And I got them, but at the expense of canceled plans, health and happiness.

I considered taking a demotion in exchange for reduced hours and a more regular schedule. My employers declined, and I so I felt the need to decline to be employed by them.

So, after nearly five years of working for the same company, and another three previous to that, I walked away. No notice, no back up plan, nothing.

I just took this heavy burden that has been holding me back, and I put it down.

I'm not really sure where to go from here.

I live a pretty simple life, and thanks to the timing of things, I could probably remain unemployed for three months--maybe four, and still cover the basics.

I'd be lying to say there wasn't a good bit of anxiety involved, but I'm doing my best not to bow to it. This is an opportunity to fix all the things I was too "busy" to bother with.

Now that I've got no job, it's time to get to work.

Battlestar Galactica was too frakkin short, though finding contextual uses for frak will never grow old, even if some people hate it. 

I dare say that BSG was far superior to SG-1, but I don't hold the same fondness for it that I do for Stargate. I still want to see a more in depth Ori story line. I don't care that it got two movies!

Anyway, anyway, I was focusing on BSG. 

Without being spoilery, if there was anything that I took from the series finale, it's how complicated we all are. How wrought we are with contradictions. It doesn't make us any less real; it makes us more real. 

And the fact that Cylons also are wrought with contradictions just shows how human they really are (or how Cylon we really are.)

It's not bad writing that characters have inconsistencies; it's phenomenally good writing. If Lee were perfectly consistent, he'd be perfectly boring. (But my gods, Apollo, get a frakkin haircut. See? Nice use of frak there. You're welcome.)

In any case, I've spent most of my life being just a bit too black and white. In every situation, there's always been a right and a wrong, and I've always felt the need to agree 100%, or just not subscribe at all. 

But I'm too internally conflicted to live a satisfying life that way anymore. I think it more of a worthy challenge to live with the contradictions and become who I should be in spite of them, than to spend all my energy trying to right all the inconsistencies. 

So the real work is in deciding which inconsistencies are permissible, and which ones aren't. Deciding to embrace a bit of dissonance for the sake of wholeness does not give me license to live without boundaries, or to stop trying to become something worth being. 

And it doesn't make life any easier. 

In fact, I think it makes it exponentially harder. 

I wonder if I am really up to the task.

I recently had to have my car repaired. A cylinder in the engine was misfiring, and the coil had to be replaced. The cost was pretty high. 

And, as I shared the story with others, it became clear that we all place values on certain things in completely different ways. That's right folks, our utility curves don't match. 

A few friends remarked that I could have had it done cheaper somewhere else. And while that may have been the case, the cost for me would have been too high. 

I might have had to call around to many different places, I would probably have had to make an appointment, and the quality of the work may have been lower. 

Because I have a relatively good job, I place a higher premium on my time than say a minimum wage worker. That is not to say that my time is fundamentally worth more than theirs; I'm just willing to spend a higher amount of money to save the same amount of time. 

I'm also willing to spend more money to forgo inconvienences like talking on the phone, or going without a car for more than a day. And I have the luxury to be able to afford a higher quality mechanic than my brother's girfriend's cousin who kinda knows where all the pieces go.

And my own utility curves change from day to day. Had I not had plans that I really didn't want to cancel, I could have bit the calling bullet and did a little shopping around, and saving a little cash, but not having a car for a little while longer. 

But I'm a spoiled girl who loathes stress and drama, so I handed over the cash and got my car back the next day. As a result, I got to eat a mediocre lunch and watch a mediocre movie, but the dinner and dessert was fantastic, and the company was even better. 

The moment a girl starts a new blog, she forgets all the wonderful topics she wanted to blog about and her mind turns to absolute mush. 

Speaking of minds turning to complete mush, I was listening to a Game Theory lecture the other day and realised I cannot for the life of me remember what it means to be pareto inefficient. Boy, my micro is getting really rusty. 

A quick peek at wikipedia, however, has cured my temporary amnesia. I think it's time to unpack the econ books, though, and spend less time on StumbleUpon and more time actually reading. 

There's a fine idea--reading! For a girl who supposedly loves reading, I do precious little of it these days, and I'm not even obsessively watching any television shows at the moment. 

It leaves me to wonder what I actually do with my time, when I'm not doing such hard work as the supervising of the flipping of burgers. 

I'll get back to you when I figure it out. 

Anyway, the blog name is inspired by none other than John Maynard Keynes, at least indirectly. I'm not exactly a Keynesian, but ya gotta love a good turn of phrase, and we are all indeed dead in the long run. Since this is my first post, I'll spare you the details about how I'm much more likely to play kissyface with a classical economist. 

But fear not, dismal scientists, I see a day in the near future when that will indeed be the case!